Thursday, May 30, 2013

Chapters From my Life: Prologue

Time for a semi-comedic post dealing with my life!  I suppose this could be considered as a prologue, as it sort of sets up the level of crazy you can expect from my family, and it happens before I was born, before I was even thought of!  Even though I'm pretty sure I wasn't planned at all, and was sort of a "Surprise, you're pregnant," followed by the wails of many.

Anyway, this dates back to when my mother was first engaged to my father.  "First?" you may be asking yourself.  First, my mother was engaged to my father twice before they were married around the tender age of 20 I believe.

My mother and father were high school sweethearts.  They dated through senior year, and became engaged soon after graduation.  Then, for whatever reason, they split up.  Teenagers are fickle, fickle creatures.  So, my mother moved on, to a person I shall name "Scarecrow."  Mostly because I have met this person and heard stories of this person (one which you shall hear shortly), and find him to be lacking a brain.

Anyway, Scarecrow was a year or two older than my mother, and it was obviously true love, and all the kids were getting married, so he proposed to my mother, and she accepted.  The wedding was being planned, all was moving along swimmingly, until... Scarecrow and mother were watching television together, and Scarecrow says, out of nowhere, "I'm going to be married before I'm 21 whether I'm married to you or not."

Surprisingly, that statement did not go over well.  An argument evidently ensued, and my mother left him, hurling her ring (his ring?) at the general area of his face.  I like to believe she saw this person was looking for any person to marry and only proposed to her because she was the first person he saw.  So, my mother was single again for a couple of months.

Then, she receives a phone call.  My father wants to take her out on a date again, I'm sure after being heartbroken all this time and seeing his chance again.  My mother agrees to a date, and tells her parents that she's going out on a date.  The person is kept a secret, because her father then asks, quote:  "Well, it had better not be that <insert my last name> boy again."

The date apparently went well, they dated for perhaps another month, and they were engaged, again.  This time, the wedding happens!  The families were invited, my great-aunt filmed it, my paternal grandfather performed the ceremony, unicorns, rainbows, yadda, yadda, yadda.  Her new father-in-law also talked to her about money matters in the house (you can get a job if you're allowed to by husband, and he will determine how money is spent in the house... it went over about as well as you can imagine).

Maybe after a year and a half, I'm born, 16 months later, my brother.  All was well for the first year or so after my brother was born.  Then, infidelity reared it's ugly head.  However, this is sort of where it gets interesting.

The first time (yes, first) my father was caught with another woman (I'll call her Tammy), my mother just told him off, but he appeared remorseful, sorry for what he had done, and she allowed him back to the house.  He was the son of a preacher, surely he would not want to make his father look bad in the community by leaving his family for another woman.

The second time... was with a woman we shall refer to as Lindsay, a name my mother still hates to this day.  However, Lindsay was no ordinary woman, no.  She was then married to Scarecrow.  Yes, Scarecrow.  Eventually, both Scarecrow and my mother find out (I imagine through the wonder of small-town gossip), that their respective spouses are cheating on them and with who.  So, instead of confronting his wife about this matter, Scarecrow comes to visit my mother.  A conversation ensued, during which Scarecrow poses the following:

"Well, your husband is with my wife, so why don't we just switch?"

I'm not sure if it was a question, I was still young and probably not even around for this conversation.  I am also not sure how a person reacts to being propositioned with impromptu swinging.  If my imagined reaction to the above statement is anything to go on, I imagine not very well.  I have asked numerous times what was the result of such a statement, and have not received any type of answer other than silence and a glare from my mother, so, my imagination went to work.  And, my imagination works hard, imagining multiple scenarios.

Scenario 1 - This  conversation happens with Scarecrow standing at the bottom of the steps leading to our backdoor, my mother holding the screen door ajar while talking.   At the remark, my mother asks him to hold on for just a moment.  She goes and retrieves a BB gun, maybe even a rifle ('cause that's how southern people roll), and returns with the firearm in hand.  When she opens the screen door, she asks "Now, what did you say, again?"  Spewing gibberish at the sight, Scarecrow backs to his car and leaves as quickly as he can, hearing the faint sound of a gunshot as he hits the road.

Scenario 2 - Maybe this conversation happens inside the home. Scarecrow is sitting on one end of a couch, with mother on the other end.  Scarecrow says his line.  Mother stands up and walks over to Scarecrow and just lays into him.  Not too badly - he had to be able to walk away.

Scenario 3 - This scenario simply involves a heated verbal discussion.

To me, all are viable.  All I know is that my mother and Scarecrow did not see or talk to each other for a very long while, probably around 12-14 years later.  And that was only when Scarecrow was in a car accident and was semi-seriously injured (I recall him having a neck brace, possibly the apparatus where they screw it to your head to prevent neck movement).  They stayed in touch for maybe a year after that, and then have not talked again as far as I know.

She also let him come back after this display as well.  But, as fate would have it, there was a third time, with the first woman.  This time, she filed for a legal separation (the minimum of which is one year before the divorce proceedings can truly begin).  All before I started kindergarten!

And, I think that's most of it.  Maybe it isn't truly funny, or my sense of humor is skewed somewhat.  But, I think it gives a good idea of some of the insanity that surrounds me.  Maybe items of this magnitude happen two to three times a year, without fail.  Ranging from comical verbal disagreements between family members to cat fights, most of which I simply find humor in, so why not immortalize it somehow?

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